


Why Czerka is Worse Than FedEx

by kitkatt0430



Series: Work In Progress Bingo [9]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, Humor, for best effect imagine the Czerka reps all sound like the person you find most annoying, how Kreia discovered the missing shipment even I don't know, maybe the awful shipping times had something to do with it, what really drove Atris to fall?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27220573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatt0430/pseuds/kitkatt0430
Summary: "What do you mean," Atris asked in the tone of someone about to catapult themselves off a steep and slippery slope, "that the package has been marked delivered?  How can something I never signed for be marked delivered?""Someone must've signed for you," came the patient reply.If she were a Sith, she could have just reached out with the Force across the distance and strangled the Hyperspace Shipping rep.  Instead she said through gritted teeth, "no one is authorized to sign for me.""As long as someone signed, the shipment is marked delivered.  Czerka Hyperspace Shipping...""What?"  Atris felt her blood run cold.  "Since... since when does Czerka own the Hyperspace Shipping Company?"
Series: Work In Progress Bingo [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977097
Kudos: 5





	Why Czerka is Worse Than FedEx

There is a saying that war is good for business. (Followed closely, of course, by the saying that peace is good for business.) This was an axiom in which Czerka executives believed whole-heartedly. War meant contracts with the Republic and decreased oversight from the Galactic Trade Commission. War also meant contracts with the Sith and no oversight at all.

So, business boomed.

However, there was this one delivery corporation: Hyperspace Shipping. Considered to be the most reliable way to send packages between planets, Hyperspace Shipping was a very profitable business and a particularly irritating thorn in Czerka's side. But war made interplanetary deliveries more dangerous and Hyperspace Shipping's speedy deliveries became less speedy and more... delayed. Profits began to drop.

Naturally, Czerka denied any involvement in such unfortunate circumstances, but offered a solution: Czerka could buy out the company. Hyperspace Shipping did not see the offer as being particularly generous and declined. So Czerka bought all of Hyperspace Shipping's debt and forced them to sell. Such a shame things couldn't have been smoothed out beforehand.

For all appearances, not too much changed about Hyperspace Shipping after the buyout. The name stayed, though the words 'affiliate services of Czerka' were added in fine print. The boasts of delivery time remained steady, though half the customer service staff was fired.

It was under these circumstances that Jedi Master Atris, who had long vowed never to use Czerka or their affiliate companies, came to arrange the shipment of several priceless Jedi artworks to Telos from Dantooine. Revan and Malak were aware of the enclave on Dantooine, after all, and it was only a matter of time until one of them ordered an attack. If the other Masters were going to be ridiculously idiotic and stay there, risking their lives and the lives of every Knight and Padawan there, then the very least she could do was ensure their legacy survived in her archives.

(Needless to say, Master Vrook did not appreciate Master Atris' lack of support in his endeavor to keep the Dantooine Enclave running.)

Atris had used Hyperspace Shipping many times before and never had a bad experience. So she hurried through the process of setting up a delivery, never once noticing the small print regarding Czerka. Had she not been distracted by the upcoming attack on Revan's cruiser and her small part in coordinating the strike team before the mission began, perhaps Atris might have noted the small changes in the business' site page. So unfortunate, really, that she'd been rushed. Some of the art was quite lovely indeed.

* * *

Once Atris safely arrived at Telos, she took inventory and noticed that much of what she'd sent from Dantooine was still missing. So she logged into the Hyperspace Shipping information portal and checked on the status of her shipment. It was marked as experiencing delays due to the war. Understandable, she supposed.

She updated the shipment to require her signature and confirmation of her identity with a biometric scan and then went to catalogue what had arrived. Some basic meditation mats, the components to build a few dozen lightsabers, one of the temple droids - damaged in transit, unfortunately - and all two of the Sith Holocrons. Atris really wasn't supposed to have taken those, but... well she couldn't very well risk them falling into Revan's hands if he turned out to be not so docile in his amnesia after all. Or for Malek to strike and take the ancient repositories of knowledge.

Better they remain in her hands. She'd put them in her meditation room until she had time to create a nice, safe, sealed vault.

* * *

After the Revan ploy more or less works out - Vrook is unnecessarily smug about it, which is rich considering he'd been opposed to the whole thing but at least Atris gets to point out that she'd been right to bug out of Dantooine when she did - Koriban winds up virtually abandoned by the time the Republic and the Jedi assault team show up to take the planet by force. They're left looking sheepish, but it means that Atris can go safely retrieve some of the abandoned artifacts.

Like more Sith holocrons that she can send to her secret new temple on Telos. The Sith aren't gone yet, so its not safe to bring students to Telos yet, but by the time it is Atris will be ready for them. Except... the packages from Dantooine are still missing. Well... that's not true. One box arrived, but the rest are still in transit.

She tells herself its fine. Things are still in disarray from the war.

The information portal assure her that the rest will arrive in two weeks. Guaranteed.

* * *

The shipment is still missing two weeks later. The information portal still shows the two weeks guarantee.

So Atris comms Hyperspace Shipping's customer service representative office. And she waits on hold for three hours. Listening to the same five songs loop over and over and over...

Atris learns a new trick during these three hours. Force choke, as recommended by one of the Sith Holocrons, which are still hanging out in Atris' meditation chamber. Of course, she'd never use it on a real person, but it's a great method for compacting trash and dealing with frustration from being on hold for three hours.

"I am so sorry, Master Jedi," the customer service rep tells her. "I will put a rush on the delivery of your shipment. I am so embarrassed that this happened to you, one of our best customers. In fact, I am adding a note to your account that your shipment ships free. And you get a thirty percent refund on this shipment."

"Thank you. Do you know how the one box that did get delivered was separated from the batch?"

"Oh, we had a few warehouses that had to be evacuated quickly in the wake of an unexpected Sith attack. I'm not sure they're aware they lost the war, ma'am. But I promise you, we did not loose a single piece of your shipment."

Atris ends the comm call feeling much better about things.

* * *

A Sith ship is hauled to the Telos space station and Atris slips aboard to liberate any Sith artifacts she can find. For safety reasons, of course. 

But that wasn't why she was on the station to begin with. She was supposed to receive her shipment from Dantooine. She does not receive the shipment from Dantooine.

So Atris spends another seven hours on hold with customer service. In fact, she's about to end the call and charter a ship to their nearest Hyperspace Shipping office when she finally gets a representative. But Atris does not like the answer they give her.

"What do you mean," Atris asked in the tone of someone about to catapult themselves off a steep and slippery slope, "that the package has been marked delivered? How can something I never signed for be marked delivered?"

"Someone must've signed for you," came the patient reply.

If she were a Sith, she could have just reached out with the Force across the distance and strangled the Hyperspace Shipping rep. Instead she said through gritted teeth, "no one is authorized to sign for me."

"As long as someone signed, the shipment is marked delivered. Czerka Hyperspace Shipping..."

"What?" Atris felt her blood run cold. "Since... since when does Czerka own the Hyperspace Shipping Company?"

"Since almost a year before the end of the Jedi Civil War. There was a big announcement."

"No wonder you people can't do anything right anymore," Atris hissed. "I signed my shipment up for biometric confirmation scan. So no, you couldn't have just delivered the shipment to any random person who signed for them. They had to be delivered to me, in person. Otherwise your company is on the hook for the cost of the items unless you can get the shipment back and delivered to the correct person. And I have an inventory of all the missing items. I can guarantee you, it'll be cheaper in the long run to get the missing shipment to me then it will to pay the full cost..."

"I'm sorry but that guarantee was dropped after Czerka took over the company. I'm very sorry, but the shipment is gone. I can try to find out who it was misdelivered to on your behalf, but Hyperspace Shipping has otherwise completed all obligations to you, Master Jedi. I will send the delivery information to you shortly." The call cuts abruptly and Atris lets out a screech of rage that cracks the comm-panel's display screen.

She has to meditate for a long while after that before requesting a new comm-panel for her room and paying for the broken one. She meditates again after that. Then, finally feeling centered, she comms the Jedi Order's solicitors to set them on Hyperspace Shipping.

Atris never does get the message with the identity of whom the shipment was misdelivered to.

* * *

Years pass, Atris' collection of Sith Holocrons and Jedi Artifacts grows. She never does end up putting those Sith Holocrons in a vault and she picks up the Handmaidens as her helpers when it becomes clear that too many Jedi in one place is a terrible idea.

She looses the youngest and least amongst the Handmaidens to Meetra Surik, of all people. That poor girl has no idea the sort of heartbreak she's in for...

And then, one day, she gets a comm call from the Czerka outpost on the Telos space station. "Master Jedi Atris? We have you have a delivery here for you. It's a little late, but I can guarantee every box is here."

It takes Atris a long time to figure out what shipment is being discussed, as she'd blocked the whole thing from her mind after handing the problem off to the Order's solicitors. As far as she knows, the lawyers are still tied up in the red tape Czerka keeps throwing at them.

"I'll be on the station tomorrow," Atris promises. And a day later she's indeed there. 

"There's a box missing," Atris insisted.

"Oh, no, it's all here. This was sent to you by a..." the Czerka rep hummed thoughtfully and tabbed through the paperwork. "A Master Kay... no, Master Kray? Kray-a?"

"Let me see that," Atris snapped, taking the tablet away from the rep. Sure enough, the shipment was sent a month ago by someone calling themselves Master Kreia. "This is the shipment - minus one box - that I sent to myself from Dantooine shortly before the Jedi Civil War," Atris said, shoving the tablet back at the rep. "Where is that last box?"

"Presumably that Master Kreia has it. I'm afraid it's not really my problem. Now if you could get this out of our warehouse, that'd be appreciated. I'd hate to have to charge you for storage and we've got a new shipment arriving in a few days so we're gonna need the space."

Atris has half the boxes stacked up in the room she's renting and the other half in the room with the two Handmaidens who came with her. She leaves the Handmaidens to figure out the most efficient way to take everything back to the enclave and goes on a little stress soothing shopping trip. There's some red and black fabric on sale. Silky soft to the touch and the perfect weight for a set of warm robes. She ends up impulse buying it and the resulting robes she sews upon returning to the polar base are the nicest robes she's ever worn.

* * *

It's not until the woman walks into her meditation room that Atris realizes that an intruder has arrived in her home. She hastily pretends she knew the woman had been there the entire time.

"I sent your Handmaidens away," the woman tells her. "I've come to pass on the mantle of Darth Traya... should you prove to be a worthy successor."

"You're a Sith," Atris accuses. "I am a Jedi and I will never become the successor to a Sith!" 

"I am more than that. And you are Fallen; you just have yet to see it," Traya tells her. "I have another name," she adds, lighting her red lightsaber. "Kreia."

Atris lets out a scream of rage as a haze of red falls over her sight. It's only later, exhausted on the floor with a red lightsaber pointed at her neck and her own lightsaber having rolled out of sight, that Atris admits Kreia might - _might_ \- have a point. Atris might be a teeny, tiny bit Fallen.

But if she is? It's Czerka's damn fault.


End file.
